Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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