Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
