Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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