i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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