remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
