I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
