Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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