That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
