I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
