Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
