The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
