I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
