Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
