I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
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