i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
