Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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