So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
