I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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