I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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