I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
my poor anus
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
