The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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