I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
