nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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