You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
