why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
