You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
