Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
