the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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