you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
