Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
