so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I smell like Dick and happiness
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
