How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
