No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
someone owes me an orgasm
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
