I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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