I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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