I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
