From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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