plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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