i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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