you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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