Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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