are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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