Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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