when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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