this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This baby is an asshole
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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