you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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