I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
