My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
