No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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