i would punch a child for taco bell
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
smell my finger.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
