Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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