What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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