dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
