I'm jealous of your bromance
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
