It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
