PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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