GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
